Man, oh man, do I get some interesting emails.
As a journalist — and someone who’s just naturally curious about most everything — I receive all kinds of lists, surveys, etc. via email on a daily basis. They are designed to grab your attention, get you to read it, publish it, etc.
A couple of the emails I got today suggested proper ways to keep your children safe playing in the yard in the summer; making sure you have the proper license to carry a concealed weapon in your state; and … the best cities for naked gardening in 2024.
I read all three. The first was pretty self-explanatory for anyone who’s had children (or been a child); the second had a few tidbits I didn’t already know; and the third list … well, let’s just say it was no surprise that not a single recommended city was in Mississippi.
In fact, most states in the Southeastern U.S. were not on the list. Interestingly, more than five dozen Texas locales were named. Louisiana had five, Alabama had seven, and I think Georgia and Florida more than made up for the rest of us down here.
Four criteria were considered by the writers of this article — weather, safety, local interest, and “nude gardener-friendliness.” These were broken down further into subcategories of the legality of public nudity (and severity of penalties), average interest in public nudity, average temperature and rainfall, and expected wind speed.
The “safety” category had only one sub-category: number of registered sex offenders per capita. Not what I thought of first when I considered the idea of being in the garden au naturale.
I imagine two big reasons no Mississippi cities were on the list had to do with legality and the population size of the Magnolia State’s cities compared to others around the nation. It seems only 500 cities were considered in the listing.
But the real reasons Mississippi is not on list? Let’s talk about that.
1. If you are in the garden, and naked, safety is an issue for a number of reasons — garden implements, bugs and other bitey things, thorns and thistles and nature’s other sharp pokey stuff, sunburn, poisons, and we could probably come up with several others.
2. If your garden is in the line-of-sight of any other residence, prepare to be reported to the local law enforcement authorities. They’ll probably first assume you’re mentally incompetent, addicted to and/or cultivating drugs of some sort, or a (probably non-) registered sex offender. Or some combination of the above.
3. If your garden is within eyesight of your own residence, and an unexpected visitor or three arrives — say, the mail delivery person, a grandchild, a nosy neighbor, or a deputy who’s been asked to investigate a mentally-unstable narcotics connoisseur — that could cause all sorts of problems, too.
4. If you live in Mississippi and you are considering gardening in the nude, you have other issues you need to work on. Seriously.
I can understand the desire to strip off a humidity-soaked shirt or be just in shorts, etc., but … I’m sorry, I just don’t get it. Do you really want to explain yourself to Deputy Smith, who now deeply wishes he had not been on duty that day? Or to your grandchild who will never look at you the same way, if they ever look at you again? Or to your unsuspected pastor who picked that day to check on you?
Do you want to answer the questions from your doctor or emergency medical provider about the bites, scrapes, sunburn and weird rashes on parts of your body normally not openly exposed to such?
If you do, more power to you.
One online source dedicated to the subject says, “Gardening naked is not only a simple joy, it reminds us — even if only for those few sun-kissed minutes — that we can be honest with who we are as humans and as part of this planet.”
I believe honesty is great, and always preferred. But … just because you’re honest doesn’t mean you have to share everything.
Keep some things to yourself.
I need to go check my tomatoes, but I’m doing it fully-clothed, thank you very much.
