Community Acceptance
We want to feel accepted into our community and we want to feel comfortable just being ourselves, but do we have some universal right to expect others to accept us as we are? What if we refuse to fit into their expectations of us? How are our desires for acceptance more important than the community's expectations?
There's a parable Jesus told once that touches upon this that I think you will remember:
Luke 15:12-13 NASBS - "The younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of the estate that falls to me.’ So he divided his wealth between them. And not many days later, the younger son gathered everything together and went on a journey into a distant country... "
We have Jesus talking to the religious leaders and He's telling them how important just one lost sheep is. Then, He's telling them how valuable one lost coin is. And now, he's talking about these two brothers. There's two stories here. We know Jesus was telling this story to talk about the actions of the older brother and comparing the religious leaders to him, but there is another story in the younger brother. There's a story in his sin, and it starts with why he left.
The younger son was maybe young enough to not have a wife, or a family. The younger son was maybe in his older brother's shadow. I don't think this young guy had a problem with his father. They may have got along fine. I think he had a problem living up to the expectations of the community. Maybe they expected him to be like his brother. Maybe it's about not being outgoing, or hard-working, or successful. I think there's a story here in which this guy doesn't feel like he can be himself. I think he gets confused about who he is supposed to be. We can speculate about why this young man didn't fit into the family or community; but we can surmise there was a reason he did not feel comfortable staying, and so he left his community.
Here are a few thoughts regarding why he left. First is that there is an assumption that the community is not going to accept this individual. He seems to understand that if he wants to do as he wants he will have to leave this community and family. We actually see later at the end of the story that this isn't a good assumption. This father doesn't know about the young man's repentance before embracing him and accepting him back. He extends his love to him just for him being there. Now the father does not abdicate his authority to the young man, nor does he exalt the young man over the older brother, but he is telling him there is a place for him and he is wanted.
Secondly, I think we take from this that the community and family does not need to allow itself to be changed or destroyed for the sake of one member's feelings of not being accepted. There is no criticism from Jesus about the decision to let this young man leave. There's just the unspoken indication that they felt a loss. They allowed him to leave, but they hurt because of it. There is criticism upon the younger man for his life choices; in leaving for another country, and in how he acts there. It seems apparant that his choices were bad choices; and only later does he realize what everyone else already knew. This is solidly emphasized when the young man "comes to his senses" and repents. He sees his own folly; regrets his own choices; and sees wisdom in following the expectations of his father's community. His repentence leads to a return to the community he left. His regret highlighted that he would have been better off never leaving.
A third point to make is about how this young man, not feeling accepted in his community, found another community. We have to read into the scripture some, but it seems obvious to me that this young guy ended up in a far country of people that disregarded him entirely or accepted him and his actions into that community. Almost as if they were affirming his new identify. Accepting the young man as he presents himself allowed him to live a charade and make choices based on lies. This parable gives us as a picture of the future. A future where this other "identity affirming" community is not there for him. When he is a failure and he's destitute, that community fails him again. I say again, because it's first failure was offering empty affirmation. It seemed right to them to live and let live. It seemed just to not judge. It seemed inclusive to allow him to live among them doing as he pleased. However, when he really woke up from the dream of lies, he repented of his actions. He repented of leaving his home community and so he returned to it.
Maybe this young man didn't fit into other people expectations, but instead wanted them to change their expectations. I think we all expect others to accomodate us and change to fit our expectations. A tough question we should reflect on is if our feelings are more important that others? We let our feelings distort our view of reality and think we are rejected and unwanted when that is really not true. If we can look past ourselves, I think we will find that we really are better off in our community, rather than trying to find others that will affirm us in our sins. The truth we might see then is that our feeling not accepted is more about our actions than who we are. I see in the father's actions, not a change of attitude, but a reminder that this young man was never unwanted. The father was always accepting of the young man, but was never accepting of the bad choices. Jesus is speaking this parable to the patriarchs to tell them how important one person is in the Kingdom of God and in our community; but maybe he is also starting the story by saying we can love that person by standing firmly on the path of righteousness and not condoning their choices.
